Tuesday, May 14th
A frenzied feline took on a babysitter, a family and the police in a nasty scrap that sent people scurrying out of their home. Cocoa, the family cat, went on a rampage Sunday evening, forcing a family in Dartmouth to call the police for help.
Monday, May 13th
At the Mike Tyson school of Dentistry, I will show you how to clean between the gums, polar bears and bicupids. My school is an intense five half minute course located in the heart of my brain. My goal is simple: to devour your molars.
Monday, May 13th 2002 (10:13pm)
Ah, the wonders of science - behold mankind's latest innovation, a device that translates dog barks into speech. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I really don't need to hear Rex say "TANGY!" when he comes up for air after cleaning his carrot.
Sunday, May 12th
When I'm not working (thanks again, Jason), I'm surfing the web, looking for links to post up here. Over the course of a week, I bank all the religious stuff I find up for one big post to fill you Sunday readers with spiritual guidance. So, without further ado, here's this week's spread:
Christians For Cannibis - Priests Gone Wild - Spider-Man's Greatest Bible Stories - Where Is God? - Pope Chart - Harry Potter Chick Tract - Heeb Magazine
Sunday, May 12th 2002 (1:55am)
Saturday, May 11th
Two Cambodian crematorium workers will face charges of cannibalism after getting drunk and eating the body of a man they were supposed to cremate. Further proof that drinking and funeral home work don't mix.
Saturday, May 11th 2002 (12:22am)
Those wildly deluded PeTA pinheads strike again - this time browbeating a high school in Austin, Minnesota (the hometown of Hormel) because their teams are named the Packers - short for meatpackers. It gets better: they suggest instead that the teams be named the Pickers, to promote the slaughter of plants - whom science has recently shown don't care much for being killed either.
Saturday, May 11th 2002 (12:06am)
Friday, May 10th
Hooray for Hollowood! It's here again. Get to clickin' here for the raunchiest, filthiest, dirtiest, naughtiest, xxxiest, porniest, britney spearsiest, boobsiest, column ever! Google loves me.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (2:37pm)
With my new job, I'm literally up to my ASS in Flash, but that doesn't change my appreciation for it as an avant-garde artform. With that in mind, shoot some heroin under your toenail or put some LSD in your eye, and sit back for Flashback - you should start to peak just as it begins getting really weird.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (12:18am)
In the wake of the September 11 attacks, everyone is hyper-sensitive about anything referring back to that fateful day - so it has been proposed that the emergency phone number be changed from 911 to 'PUPPIES'.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (12:13am)
Thursday, May 9th
...but apart from that, this is the best rendition of the Meow Mix jingle I have ever heard. Heads up, my new working compatriots, I'll be singing this around the office all day tomorrow.
Thursday, May 9th 2002 (12:31am)
In another astonishing example of your tax dollars working to uncover the hidden mysteries of the world, a Rochester School of Medicine study has determined that body piercing is linked to risky behavior in teens. GASP!
Your most productive day of the week?
Nothing! Player's off!
Patriots Day (2016)
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