[holding envelope to head] "SIS BOOM BAH."
[tearing open envelope and reading contents] "Make the sound of an exploding sheep."

What? You don't remember Karnak? GET OFF MY LAWN YOU GODDAMN KIDS!

Jeff Goldblum Is Watching You Poop! AAAAAAAH!

Those PeTA dipsticks have really done it this time - they are in danger of losing their tax-exempt status because they gave money to the North American Earth Liberation Front, a group the FBI lists as "terrorist". Maybe the feds will do us all a favor and just shut the fuckers down.

Fuck health food! Deep-Fried Twinkies! Yummy!!!!

There's A Rainbow In Every Teardrop. Shit like this just fills me with warm fuzzies!

Thinking about suicide but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice.

Cookies are great, but not as great as cookies from a dog's ass!

Just when you think KISS can't possibly slap their name on anything else, here come the KISS Kondoms! They're "tongue lubricated"! It's just a matter of time before we see KISS tampons!

Your premier provider of ADULT CLOWN SERVICES.

I tell ya, I just can't get enough of that Pillsbury Dough Boy!

Turns out the man who REALLY shot John Lennon was none other than Stephen King, with some help from Reagan and Nixon. Of course! It all makes so much sense now!

Think about it - is there ANY situation in your day-to-day life that wouldn't be improved with a porn-music soundtrack? Of course not, and now you can have it streamed to you (har har) via the internet, thanks to Fluffertrax!

For every 10,000 humps, my dog will hump something else in my home because he is bored. Who knows what he will hump next? The broom? The photo album? He is a humping like dog!

Do you feel like shooting her? Repeatedly? While screaming at the top of your lungs something about die bloody arab die!!?

Then boy oh boy do I have the website for you!

This guy is my hero. He almost gets sued by UPS for using their logo on his website. In his legal response to the attorney, he asks for a T-shirt and... well... you have to read it yourself.

Over the past few weeks, the traditional Sunday religion post has been degenerating into a festival of offensiveness - and I have no problem with that. Let's continue down that spiral with hearty gusto!

One winter day, a man walked outside after a church service. He was startled when he saw two altar boys lying face down, pants around their ankles, with their penises in the snow.

The man exclaimed, "What on earth are you two doing?!"

One altar boy looked up at the man and said, "Father Bietighofer always likes to down a couple cold ones after Mass."

Delightful, yes? Let's get on with the links - there's a lot of them this week!
Stripper For God | Rod Of Correction | Jewish Space Dilemma | Peanut Jesus
Church Of Mary | Battleground God | Fire Bible | Holy Shit
Cremation is NOT Christian | God Saves The Titanic

Here's a sneak peek at Spidey's costume for the impending sequel!

Dig the Grateful Dead? Need to find stuff in the dark? Got a thousand bucks? Here ya go.

Meet Breadlegs' Cat. I don't know what to make of it either.

The problem with crack is that is keeps you up all night, making it harder to maintain a normal lifestyle with work, school, banking, all kinds of daytime stuff, because you're always catching up on sleep during the daylight hours. Well, say hello to "Crack P.M.", a new cocaine product with a sleep additive that lets addicts get high but still enjoy the health benefits of a full night's rest.

If you're not familiar with 'slash fiction', it's dirty stories about famous characters - originally Kirk/Spock (hence the term 'slash') gay romances, that kind of thing. The genre encompasses a wide variety of characters, but even this is a stretch: Garfield in Lasagna Pookie.

This week I go one on one with the suave one... Ben Affleck! Plus get all the latest news and gossip in Hollowood that you missed! Get to clickin', yer momma does!

Now THIS is what I call a album review!

A 13-year-old Brooklyn boy stunned his teacher yesterday when he brought preserved Siamese twin fetuses to school for a macabre show-and-tell session, officials said.

Hey, remember Poke The Bunny? Now you can expand your animal harrassment empire with Poke The Penguin!