Monday, May 13th 2002
Ah, the wonders of science - behold mankind's latest innovation, a device that translates dog barks into speech. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I really don't need to hear Rex say "TANGY!" when he comes up for air after cleaning his carrot.
Monday, May 13th 2002 (12:49am)
Sunday, May 12th 2002
When I'm not working (thanks again, Jason), I'm surfing the web, looking for links to post up here. Over the course of a week, I bank all the religious stuff I find up for one big post to fill you Sunday readers with spiritual guidance. So, without further ado, here's this week's spread:
Christians For Cannibis - Priests Gone Wild - Spider-Man's Greatest Bible Stories - Where Is God? - Pope Chart - Harry Potter Chick Tract - Heeb Magazine
Sunday, May 12th 2002 (1:55am)
Saturday, May 11th 2002
Two Cambodian crematorium workers will face charges of cannibalism after getting drunk and eating the body of a man they were supposed to cremate. Further proof that drinking and funeral home work don't mix.
Saturday, May 11th 2002 (12:22am)
Those wildly deluded PeTA pinheads strike again - this time browbeating a high school in Austin, Minnesota (the hometown of Hormel) because their teams are named the Packers - short for meatpackers. It gets better: they suggest instead that the teams be named the Pickers, to promote the slaughter of plants - whom science has recently shown don't care much for being killed either.
Saturday, May 11th 2002 (12:06am)
Friday, May 10th 2002
Hooray for Hollowood! It's here again. Get to clickin' here for the raunchiest, filthiest, dirtiest, naughtiest, xxxiest, porniest, britney spearsiest, boobsiest, column ever! Google loves me.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (2:37pm)
With my new job, I'm literally up to my ASS in Flash, but that doesn't change my appreciation for it as an avant-garde artform. With that in mind, shoot some heroin under your toenail or put some LSD in your eye, and sit back for Flashback - you should start to peak just as it begins getting really weird.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (12:18am)
In the wake of the September 11 attacks, everyone is hyper-sensitive about anything referring back to that fateful day - so it has been proposed that the emergency phone number be changed from 911 to 'PUPPIES'.
Friday, May 10th 2002 (12:13am)
Thursday, May 9th 2002
...but apart from that, this is the best rendition of the Meow Mix jingle I have ever heard. Heads up, my new working compatriots, I'll be singing this around the office all day tomorrow.
Thursday, May 9th 2002 (12:31am)
In another astonishing example of your tax dollars working to uncover the hidden mysteries of the world, a Rochester School of Medicine study has determined that body piercing is linked to risky behavior in teens. GASP!
Wednesday, May 8th 2002
Sorry, veggies and vegans, if you're doing your thing because you feel it's inhumane to butcher animals for sustenance, you'd better brace yourself - scientists at the University of Bonn have discovered that plants do indeed cry when they are cut. Looks like everything suffers at the hands of man. So, how ya want that steak?
The boys over at Stinkfactor, famous for their experiments in cinnamon and horseradish consumption, have struck again - this time, the subject is Tabasco chugging. Admirable, but I could do this one with my hands tied behind my back - and I have witnesses that can testify to it!
Tuesday, May 7th 2002
The year is 2028. All disputes are now settled with drug-fueled combat animals. CHOOSE YOUR CHAMPION!
Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
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