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HOLLOWOOD 05/31/02
by Scott, 11/30/-1

News - Trailers - TV Report - Music

Hey there. I bet most of you thought I wouldn't get a column up this week. But you know what? I love you all too much and I can't pass it up. I need that love. But I tell you it won't be easy getting this column up in the coming weeks. Thanks to the many people around me, who seem to think I have something to do with it (fools), I have gotten a paying job. Davelog Staffers with Jobs? Holy Crap, people, sell your stocks. The apocalypse is upon us. Anyway, I'll do my best to get the column out to you each and every Friday, it may even be on a Saturday, but I'll do my best to get it out each week.

So screw the small talk lets get to the even smaller talk, The NOOZ!


 

What's Da Haps?
Resources: Dark Horizons - Cinescape - Coming Attractions - Aint It Cool News and various others.

Earlier in the week it was reported that Ethan Embry had scored the role of Nightcrawler in the upcoming sequel to X-Men. But that turned out to be false and the role was actually claimed by one of my favorite actors on the planet, Alan Cumming! He'll make a GLORIOUS furry blue elf. He'll be all the rage with the kids come this time next year. And all over the United States you'll hear the out cry of parents everywhere as their daughters get Tattoos of Alan Cumming on their asses. MAN, the build up to that joke was so worth it.

Superhero Hype is reporting work has started on bringing the comic hero/god, Thor, to the big screen. Early word is that they are looking to Kurt Russel to play the lead. KURT RUSSEL? PLAYING THOR? Give me a fucking break. The only thing he could play that's even remotely close is the guy who gets his ass beat in the movie and in the process he acquires a lisp and he walks round saying, I'm Thor, I'm Thor, my muscles ache and I feel so Thor.

Is it just me or does Undercover Brother just look like the Blaxpoitation version of Austin Powers?

David Prowse, the man inside the nubian shell of Darth Vader in the Original Trilogy is trying to get the role back in Episode 3. Prowse, now 66, and in very bad health, has had numerous hip replacement surgerys but has vowed to get back to 100% if he can once again play the man in black. When reached for comment, Johnny Cash said, "man, that's a lame refrence that like 5 people will get".

The best new series to air next fall may never appear on network television, but on the web! A series of prequel animations to the upcoming sequels to the Matrix will be hitting the website this fall, followed by a DVD release at a later date. The series of animated shorts, dubbed Animatrix, are being done by masters of Japanimation, and one of them is being done by Squaresoft, the folks who brought you Final Fantasy. Get your highspeed connection now, folks!

Frank Darabont, of Shawshank Redemption fame has signed on to write the next installment of the Indiana Jones series. Look for the movie to be released sometime in 2005. Oddly enough that's the same year that Harrison Ford qualifies for Medicare. The story will be called, Raiders of the Lost Depends.

Michael Ketaon has said that if Tim Burton wants to do it that he would love to star in Beetlejuice 2. When reached for comment Tim Burton said "mmmffmfmf fmfmm" after lifting his head from his latest supermodel girlfriends chest he repeated "mmmffmfmf fmfmm".


 

They come before the movie, so why are they called Trailers?

Gangs of New York - Trailer - Leo Dicaprio, Martin Scorsese, Daniel Day Lewis
In Various Sizes - Quicktime

Simone- Trailer - Al Pachino
In Quicktime


 

 

How I Wasted My Life This Week - The TV Report

Everything is a freakin re-run, so I decided to sit down with one of my favorite celebrities and yours for a little chat. I give you, Mr. Ben Affleck.

Scott:
Thanks for talking to us, Ben, I know your a busy man with all the movies your filming and promoting, it's got to get hectic, how do you do it?

Affleck:
Well if the truth were to be told, Scott. I don't. You see, I am the original Ben Affleck. But there are many of us.

Scott:
Many of you? I don't get it.

Affleck:
Let me explain it to you in terms you will understand then. You see, Affleck is a busy man, and as a busy man I don't have enough free time to do the things I enjoy doing like reading a good book, or tea bagging Matt Damon. So to cope with tis I have built a total of 5 Affleck Androids.

Scott:
Androids? So, we're not always getting the "Real" Ben Affleck?

Affleck:
My androids are very real, my friend. Not as real as you and I... okay not as real as me, but real enough to fool even my closest friends and relatives.

Scott:
Give us an example..

Affleck:
Sure.. Kevin Smith, you know him, right? Director, writer, one of my closest friends, right?

Scott:
Right.

Affleck:
Wrong! I've only met the guy once, and that was while filming Mallrats. After Mallrats I finished the first A.A.S.S., Affleck Android Super Spreme. It had it's flaws, but it was good enough to pull off my role in Chasing Amy.


Scott:
So that wasn't you in Chasing Amy?

Affleck:
Nope, that was A.A.S.S. 1. I just call it Ass 1 for short. Ass 1 is who is good friends with Kevin Smith. When we heard that Kevin Smith had died in China we were devistated.


Scott:
Oh, because you thought it was Kevin Smith the director and not Kevin Smith the actor from Hercules and Xena.

Affleck:
No, I knew it was the actor from Hercules and Xena. I can't stand the director Kevin Smith, I was devistead to hear he wasn't dead. But I let ASS 1 think it was him for about a week. Had to tell him before he shorted out and made another Reindeer Games.

Scott:
This is all very confusing to me.. so which movies have you done, personally?

Affleck:
It was me in Armageddon, Phantoms, Changing Lanes, and Sum of All Fears. I am also currently shooting Daredevil while ASS 3 is humping The Ass of all Asses, Jennifer Lopez, in Gigli. The Afflecks are a busy man.

Scott:
Well I guess we should talk about your current film then, Sum of All Fears. What attracted you to the project.

Affleck:
Money, lots of it. That and the opportunity to work with Morgan Freeman. Boy was I pissed when I found out that it was one of Morgans androids. I was so pissed I raped Damon Androids 2. 4. and 7 about 9 times.

Scott:
And what the best part about being in a superhero flick?

Affleck:
Playing Daredevil is a real stretch for me as an actor. Being that he is blind I am not allowed to act with my eyes. That's the main reason I had to do this role myself. The AASSES are not built for such a demanding role. Plus there is the fact that I get to bang Jennifer Garner.

Scott:
Oh, you mean your love interest that Garner is playing, Elektra.

Affleck:
No, I mean Jennifer Garner, man. It's in my contract that I get to sleep with the female leads in my movies. That was ASS 2's idea after Forces of Nature.

Scott:
Well it looks like our time is about up, anything you'd like to say in closing?

Affleck:
Go see Sum of All Fears. Go See Sum of All Fears.. go..see...go...see...go..go...go...go.... *fizzle...crack...pow...hisss*

Scott:
Oh great, I got one of the damn Androids too.

Affleck:
No, man, it's me. I just really need a drink, can you point me to the nearest bar?

 


 

Steal This!* - Musical Suggestions
* umm don't steal it, by steal I meant buy. Yup, you heard me, RIAA.

This week I bring you 6 10 must have...Weird Al Yankovic songs! Next week one of the best movies ever made is to be released on DVD. UHF! Pick it up on your way to Spatula City, you won't be disappointed!

Like a Surgeon (Dare to be Stupid)

Eat It (In 3-D)

I Lost on Jeopardy (In 3-D)

Amish Paradise (Bad Hair Day)

Bedrock Anthem (Alapalooza)

Dare To Be Stupid (Dare to be Stupid)

Gump (Bad Hair Day)

Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung (Weird All Yankovich)

Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota (UHF)

UHF (UHF)

Want us to run your own Musical Suggestions? Email me the name of the songs, who they are by, and why, and I'll feature it here!

 


 

 

 

 

 

 



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