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LORDS OF THE RING 04/26/02
by Scott, 11/30/-1

Was a wrestling column a good idea? Should this thing be about something else? Does anyone that reads this give a flying nun about wrestling? Would you rather it be an entertainment column? I dunno, you tell me. Life is about change and I am willing to change for you. Maybe it should be about entertainment in general? Would you like a place to get caught up on the weeks happenings in entertainment? T.V., Movies, sometimes music, whatever. Let me know. I know this wrestling shit isn't clicking with a lot of you. Email me and let me know what you would like to read about each week. Wrestling pissed me off too much some weeks that I KNOW I won't want to write about it. But entertainment is me, everyday, I'm all in it. Maybe we should change this column to Whores of the Bling Bling.

This Week In Wrestling

So, Hulk Hogan won the Undisputed WWF Championship belt.. who would have thunk it? Oh, me. Some fools in the IWC thought that there was a chance that Triple H, The Game, not Hollywood Hulk Hogan, would keep the belt. In fact there is a rumor going around that Vince decided ½ way through the PPV that Hogan would indeed win the belt. Bullshit. They decided Hogan would wear that belt come Backlash the second they put him back in the Red and Orange and started hyping the nostalgic feeling of having Hulkmania alive and well. YAWN

A nearly 50 year old man now holds the biggest title in wrestling. And sure, he is in better shape, at least in appearance, than a lot of the other wrestlers out there. But he is in no way, shape, or form, in better physical shape. He is old, slow, and hurting.

Hopefully this is just the WWF giving the man what he truly deserves, to go out on top, in the WWF, the way he came back in. He will keep the belt until Summerslam, the second biggest PPV of the year for the WWF, where he will lose the belt to Stone Cold Steve Austin. The passing of the torch will be complete and Hogan can ride off into the sunset, DVD copy of Mr. Nanny in hand and all.

Speaking of dignity, thanks to our man Dave, I've got a special treat for you this week. I've converted it to a wav file that is small so that everyone will be able to enjoy it. The next time you see Hulk Hogan make his entrance and Jimmi Hendrix starts to play, just imagine this tune and you'll be in Hulkamania Heaven. Download the song here! Now!

So let's get to the shows.

Raw - 3/5 - Apparently I am the only one that saw an improvement in this weeks show. It's getting bashed all over the net. The Game coming out and brawling with the Undertaker was nice. Everyone in the IWC bitched about how HHH broke the rules byt being on Raw when he is supposed to only be on Smackdown. They want fines, and punishments to be dealt out… I thought these people were supposed to be the Smart Marks? Anyway, The Big Show joining the NOW is another thing they are bitching about. SHUT THE HELL UP already. The NOW needs someone that can actually cause people to fear them. X-Sux and Razor Rico aren't gonna do it. The Big Show gives them some power and respect. Two things the NOW desperately needs. I'll give them a few more weeks, based on this show, before I start pissing on my T.V..

Smackdown - 2.5/5 - Blah blah blah another week on Smackdown. Why can't they have two decent shows a week? Undertaker runs in and costs The Game a chance at winning the title back. Soooo are Triple H and The Underfaker feuding, or is it Hogan and Faker. OR is it Jericho and Al Snow? Hell if I know, and basically I don't care.

What Did You Think Of That Fucking Show?

This week my guest is Tobey Maguire. Spider-man himself.

Scott says: Thanks for taking the time out of your busy promotional tour to talk with me today, Mr. Maguire.

TobeyM says: No problem. I'm always happy to talk to a fellow Spider-fan.


Scott says: So, tell us, what was it like wrestling Macho Man Randy Savage?

TobeyM says: The Slim Jim guy? Yeah, he was aces, brah.

Scott says: It's a Manzier, but thanks for noticing. So, what did you think of wrestling this week? Hogan has the belt again. 18 years after first winning it.

TobeyM says: Isn't he like 80? He's older than Mikes Caine AND Douglas.

Scott says: Sure, he's 73, but could Spidey take him?

TobeyM says: Spidey? Oh, you mean Spider-Man! I think so, Spider-Man can kick anyone's ass, guy.

Scott says: Sups and Spidey hanging out. How cool. Anyway, do you see Spider-man taking on any other wrestlers in future movies? Maybe like Andre The Giant?

TobeyM says: I could totally see that. Wouldn't it be rad if Spider-Man took on The Million Dollar Man? I'd beat his ass and steal his money.
(Well actually, my stunt guy and Sam's Magic Spider-Man would kick his ass, and I'd be in the back making out with Kirsten.)


Scott says: HA! I've outed you! You're no wrestling fan! Everyone knows that Andre The Giant is DEAD!!! Wait.. is that make up on your face? Are you wearing a mask? Why, you're not Tobey Maguire at all!!

TobeyM says: I never said I was a wrestling fan. Wrestling is gay. And I AM Tobey Maguire! It says so on my chair.

Scott says: No you're not, you're WIllam Dafoe! You're the Green Goblin! this has all been a sinister plot to ruin my column. You sinister sinister bastard!!!

TobeyM says: You're crazy.

Scott says: Wait, Tobey, don't go..

TobeyM says: HEY WHAT'S THAT?

Scott says: *turning head* What? Where?

TobeyM says: *runs away*

Scott says: I don't see anythi--- hey!!

TobeyM says: *huff puff* *huff huff*

Scott says: By Spider-man.. I...love... you... *sniff..sob*

TobeyM says: *huff huff*.. I'm still here..Gotta.. *huff* stop.. eating *puff* those deep fried donuts..

Scott says: Oh, umm well I.. could you run away again so I don't have to explain that I love you stuff..yeah, that would probably be for the best.

TobeyM says: I will.. *huff* Give...*pant*... me *huff*..a..*puff*..second.

Scott says: GO!! YOUR LOVE HANDLES ARE MAKING MY EYES BURN!!

TobeyM says: I'm goin' I'm goin'


The Mayle Bag.. Get it? Get it?

 

Hmmm well, the truth is no one emailed me. Hence the message at the top of the page.

Oh wait, some chick who doesn't pump her own gas digs my signature. I dig yours too, sweetheart. Up off your knees.

This Ain't Got Shit To Do With Wrestling

Check out Daves keen as hell Family Guy soundboard. It's SMOOOOVE!

I'd link to something on Skedoozy.com but umm I ain't done shit on it. Yay! ;)

I had some Popeyes biscuits yesterday. They were yummy. Better than KFC biscuits. I guarantee it.

Zoe was ousted on Survivor. Everybody cheers!!!

Spider-man opens in one week!!

Jason X opens this week. I Guarantee people are going to be liking it. The whole world is stupid.

Life or Something Like That opens this week as well. This marks the end of orignal movie titles and starting next week they shall start all over again.

Is this the last wrestling column? Will there be a radical change next week? Well there is only one way to find out. Tune in next week, same fucking time, same fucking channel. Love me. Love me. Love me.

 



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